life

i just got off the phone with my mom. she is in north carolina attending the funeral of a family member. it is the third person in my family to pass away this year. 2005 has been difficult for us for large moments of time. it has been sweet too...don't get me wrong. its been the odd mixture of pain and beauty that has made the months interesting and frustrating...long and short. susanna bought me a plant tonight. it is one of those christmas ones with a red flower...oh what do you call those? i'm not one for plant names. or for names in general for that matter. it is sitting next to me right now on the kitchen table with the collection of cacti that susanna's dad gave me back in early october. i was just joking with susanna tonight that i hope my new plant makes it a few weeks so that it can see christmas. my cacti are dying. can you imagine? i just want this plant to stay awhile. when i got off the phone with mom i immediately went to prune and water the plants...i haven't done that in awhile (maybe the reason they aren't doing so well). with my aunt's passing on i am newly wounded by the uncertainty of our days. it leaves me immediately feeling helpless. i can't do anything to help my family or friends so i try to help my poor plants. i control what i can. when i center and come down i realize that i really don't even really have control over my plants. the only thing that gives me peace in the realization is the presence of my Creator and the Holder of my days.